I have been thinking a lot about 2011. (I had tons of time to think while being stuck on the couch the past few days). I was thinking back on how people say "This was the worst year ever" and how I never knew how that felt. All my years have basically been the same. Trying times but always still happy, some years (of course) happier than others. Until this past year.
When I first looked back all I could see were the things I was never able to do this last year. How I was stuck home ALL the time with just me and my kids. Never able to get to the gym and loose this weight!! How crazy upsetting and frustrating the summer was in my personal life, spiritual life and with the weather. How I was constantly feeling like my life was being spent in a car running here and there for everyone else and accomplishing nothing for me. How it seemed my husband was always thinking of himself.
How selfish that seems now. What a misguided and "poor me" attitude!
I hopped on Blogger today to say just that. Complain about how terrible my year was. I started reading my blog and I realized that I had some great times this year. I mean, who's husband is so willing to just let his wife and kids leave for a WHOLE month!! Buying plane tickets when we didn't really have the extra money. Who's husband works full time at a job he isn't exactly fond of and twelve weekends plus two full weeks with the National Guard and Honor Guard training every other month plus some while taking two classes at the Community College since Sept and still finding time to keep involved with church and grow in God while having special time with the family??? All while I stay home with our two beautiful kids?!? What an unselfish, loving husband I truly have!! How patient he's been to put up with my "poor me" whiny attitude the past six months. Yes, you read that right. Six months I whined and complained about things not going MY WAY. Of course its not going to go my way!! I'm supposed to be going GOD'S WAY and my whiny, complaining attitude was far from God's way!
Since June I have struggled Spiritually, dragging my husband down with me. I see that now. The negative attitude that I had and the results of it in my husband and my children. To the point that we were ready to walk away from what we believed the problem was, our Church. We decided to try out another church and went to one of their services. There were many things we liked about this church and we truly believe it is a great and wonderful place full of loving people serving God. However, we didn't feel completely at ease. We prayed. Many times we prayed. Never fully sure of what God wanted for us. So we made OUR decision. We were leaving our church after Jubilee week. We 'felt' like it was the right decision. Until Monday night at Jubilee. I don't know what happened. I can't really explain it, except that God intervened. That night at the fellowship dinner Rich and I looked at each other and we both just KNEW that we were where God wanted us.
I'm not going to say that it was or has been easy for me. As I said I have struggled the past six months. I held bitterness over things that happened around late spring, early summer. Another way I was pushing myself away from God. But watching my husband's spiritual growth since following God's decision has truly helped slowly chip away the bitterness. I say slowly because come fall time I was out of church for almost three full months. Never in my life have I missed so much church in ONE YEAR let alone all at once. It started at the same time my baby girl started preschool at a wonderful Christian school and my amazing husband started his college courses.
I was constantly feeling tired and rundown. Hardly ever making it to the gym, having to keep up with schedules and housework. A lot of anger and frustration. My housework started going down hill. Whenever I was home I wanted to sit and relax. Dishes would pile up. Dirty clothes literally all over the house. Clutter building up everywhere. Each room looking like a mini tornado blew through. And I hate to admit but a lot of sending my kids to play in their rooms while I sat in front of the TV or computer. I found it easier to make excuses to miss church, mainly Sunday School and Wed Night Services. Because of all the sickness in our house we spent very little time with friends. Definitely a rough half a year for me. Caused by me. My inability to juggle my time wisely kept me from the gym. My laziness kept me on the couch. My bitterness made me angry and frustrated. My selfishness caused strain in my marriage. My pushing my kids away has caused the disrespect I am beginning to see.
I say these things with tears in my eyes. The harsh realization of a wife, mother and child of God who lost her way. Who is looking at this past year as a stepping stone. A learning block. A life lesson. A reminder.
I have begun this day, a new year with open eyes. My nose in God's word. Trying to build up my prayer life again. I know that with my eyes on God, my trust and faith in Him I can and will have a better year.
This has not been easy to write. To admit my faults, my shortcomings. I felt the need to share these things with others. I know, even though I don't always feel it, that I am not the only person out there that has felt this way. May God bless you all in this New Year!!